For reasons too life-sappingly dull to go into, I recently had to study a weekly TV guide. Some of the programmes buried away in the schedules astonished me. Having never seen any of them, I have tried to guess what they involve. You can check how appalling my guesses are by checking the links to the real programmes. If you can be fucked.
AS TOLD BY GINGER: The history of the world as seen through the eyes of ginger people. This week, the ginger one from Girls Aloud reinterprets the events that led to the 1534 First Act of Supremacy, which made Henry VIII rather than the Pope head of the English church. REAL PROGRAMME HERE
EYE OF THE DEVIL: Fascinating insight into the everyday life of Satan. This week, the Prince of Darkness has to replace his contact lenses with a stronger prescription. Interactive Q&A session afterwards and 24-hr live streamed footage from Hades for Astra satellite viewers only. REAL PROGRAMME HERE
DOGS WITH JOBS: New series. Unwanted and probably lazy dogs from Battersea Dogs Home are trained to do human jobs in the hope that we can eventually swap roles and spend all day mooching around, eating, seeking attention, looking for sex and wiggling our eyebrows for no reason. First off, Mr Jingles, a terrier, has just one week to learn how to fly a jumbo jet! REAL PROGRAMME HERE
VICTORIA PRINCIPAL'S SKINCARE RANGE: Beauty programme presented by the 68% plastic former Dallas star from inside the range in her Fort Lauderdale kitchen. UNRELATED LINK HERE
THE ALPHABET MURDERS (b&w, 1779): Shocking-for-its-time film that re-enacts the “Letter Ripper” panic of 1779. An East End slum neighbourhood is gripped with fear after a string of consonants are brutally slaughtered and disposed of, never to be seen again. The sequel Where the Fackin ‘ell Are Ya? (colour, 1783) focuses on the disappearance of the letter “H”, which to this day is still absent in some cockney homes. REAL PROGRAMME HERE
YU – GI –OH: Kidnappers send in mirth-inducing home video footage of victims trying to ask for basic things such as food, water, mercy etc while their mouths are sealed with insulating tape. Presented by the most needy of the auditionees from Pop Academy Search for a TV Presenter For a Day: Behind the Scenes (Reloaded) 8. Repeated one hour later on channel E4+1, two hours later on E4+2. REAL PROGRAMME HERE