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SOME of you may have been aware that there has been a battle for the leadership of Eclectic Boogaloo over the last few weeks. This culminated yesterday in a round of voting in which members of EB declared for one of four candidates.
The way the voting system is rigged works is like this: the person with the least votes, or the least interesting profile (facially speaking), drops out, is tied up and sent on a train to Clackmannanshire for the weekend. Whether he, she or it returns from Clackmannanshire (which incidentally is twinned with the London Borough of Crackmaninside) is entirely dependent on three things.
1. Whether or not he can be bothered coming back.
2. When I learn about arithmetic 'and shit'.
A typically Clackmannanshiresque scenario unfolding in the 'Clackmannan The Moon' pub, Central Clackmannan, Clacks.
Anyway. Once that person has dropped out, three persons remain. The votes of the punter what dropped out are distributed among the other three candidates/idiots in a 2nd (SECOND) round - another round. The contest changes ever so slightly at this point. Instead of it being a straight 'who has the most votes, boringly traditional and ultimately fair' contest, each candidate has to perform a series of important and devised by members of MENSA tasks to prove their suitability as the true leader of this foetid and verdant and not at all pointless area of the interwebumalator where sentences drift on past their natural break-off point and are only read to the end by the dedicated but they are the lucky ones because there is a reward at the culmination of each one: your very own full-stop to copy and paste into your own application as you see fit . .
The series of tasks what have to be perfumed
1. Candidates have to: carry out a Lunchtime Jailbreak (obnoviously)
2. Tattoo, in Latin, the lyrics to 'Funky Town' by Pseudo Echo on the inside of their own skulls.
3. Create a sculpture of Doris Stokes made from the pure fabric of time (harder than it sounds).
4. Just really, really want it.
5. Be competent in the use of overhead projectors (all brands).
6. Be able to pilot 'Aurora' , the US Air Force's not-that-top secret aircraft, which travels at 8,000mph (that's EIGHT THOUSAND MILES PER HOUR) between Coupar Angus, Scotland and Sydney, Down Under.
7. Te kunnen vloeiende Duits spreken EN in liefde met Bonnie Tyler zijn. Ik houd van crips zij ben heerlijk!
After this transparently more tricksome round makes like a chemist (ie is dispensed with), the leadership 'race' is a 'straight' 'battle' between the last two candidates.
This is the swiftest and possibly most fair/least likely, really part of the contest. Each candidate is strapped on to a motorcycle with a sidecar. A real lion is placed in the sidecar, probably enticed in with sweets or something. The motorbike and sidecar are put in a Wall of Death type thing at a fairground, potentially somewhere like Skegness, I don't know. I've never even been there and in truth don't even really know where it is. Is this the kind of thing they would do there? Let me know. Please.
Anyway, the Skegness motorbike is switched on (is this what one does with a motorcycle?) and whoever doesn't get mauled or fall out while completing the Famous Skegnessian Wall of Death gets a point and a Lion Bar sweet (lion gets Human Bar etc). Then the contestants - sorry, candidates - have to dress up as a figure from history whom they admire and take part in what I like to call the Tazer Stungun Fungun Duel, which obviously involves electricity and the like.
Past contestants have opted to dress up as such luminaries from the past as: Sid James; Calimero, from the cartoons; Van Dyck, the artist; Jesus. They then fire Tazers at each other for a bit. This is followed by the Tizer challange, where they just drink some Tizer and chat about how it's going etc. Points will be awarded for something. They then enter the final stage called 'Meet The Writer'. In this stage I meet the two candidates, who are naked and form part of a human pyramid with whichever passersby they have managed to convince to help, in the middle of Wandsworth Common. They then have to make me a cup of tea and the maker of the most flavoursome cup of tea will be the victor, unless I change my mind.
Calimero
The winner is to be announced from the Revolving Skyline Restaurant Atop The BT Tower, as I sometimes like to refer to my bedroom*
CANDIDATES
Gwynn Box
Age: 51.
Noteable achievements: Winner of 'Mr Furious UK' seven times on the trot; runner-up in Mr Furiouso Mexico once, but got so angry at not winning he didn't ever enter anything again, with the exception of no, I won't go there.
If elected I would: Smile enigmatically for a nanosecond; lower taxes; ban a lot of things.
*******
Corey-Theresa Pevsner
Age: Thirtyfuckin' Nine
Notable achievements: Not having a freakin' starsign; quite good at spelling; fan of carbohydrates.
If elected I would: Be the winner, tell my mom, be one step further to finishing my PhD.
*******
"Shock jock" Rock "the Jock" Brock III Jnr from WNAK Radio in Poultry, Kentucky
Age: 33 1/3.
Notable achievements: Enjoyed a brief kiss with UK aristocrat and radio legend Lord David Lee Travis; Ik houd van erwten en ham, en REO Speedwagon. Nochtans, is Archie McPherson een agent van satan en ik ben doen schrikken van hem.
If elected I would: Celebrate with a cup of weak lemon Quosh and a spot of 'self-appreciation'.
*******
Throbbing Gristle
Age: Combined age of 217
Notable achievements: Winner in the Outsize Marrow section at Toxteth County fete 1987; Vloeiende Duitse sprekers en grote ventilators van de chips van Munch van het Monster, Pam Ayres en het lichte vermaak twat Alan Davies.
Full results will be aired live, exclusively on Newsnight, BBC2, at some point in the futurebollocks.
*This does not imply that my bedroom is in the BT Tower.
I am not a goldfish. It was deliberate. I am posting everything twice today. Honest.
Posted by: jane | 04 November 2005 at 09:00
I am greatly appreciating Ken Clarke's email address. "tubbyboohoo.com." Nice.
Posted by: jane Harris | 04 November 2005 at 08:59
I am greatly appreciating Ken Clarke's email address. "tubbyboohoo.com." Nice.
Posted by: jane Harris | 04 November 2005 at 08:58
Ooh! Can I enter?
Posted by: Kenneth Clarke MP | 20 October 2005 at 08:27