This just in from a PR firm representing a firm that sells ties (I've anonymised the firm with asterisks):
"Men who buy a new suit in the summer suit sales can have fun and stay green when throwing old clothes away. T*e Warehouse, the UK’s leading online tie retailer, has published a handy fun guide [THEIR WORDS] to recycling ties.
After this encouraging opening paragraph comes a list of suggestions as to how one can recycle one's old ties. As opposed to say, taking them to the local Oxfam shop. Here goes.
1. Do a Rambo: Wrap a tie around your forehead, grab a toy gun and some grenades, and scuttle round your office on your knees. Dart from desk to desk keeping a beady eye out for gunmen behind the photocopier. Won’t do much for your career prospects, but will keep your colleagues well defended.
[Yes, and no doubt your colleagues will hoot with laughter as SO19 and anti-terrorism officers abseil through the office windows, before discharging multiple rounds of hot lead into your cranium. That said, you'll deserve it.]
2. Emergency present wrapping: An old tie will make a great ribbon on a present. Not recommended for anyone important you don’t want to offend.
[Yeah. Just use it for presents you wish to give to people you dislike or don't care about. I can't tell you the number of presents I give to people I hate. Just as well I have loads of ties I don't wear any more in which to wrap them.]
3. Protect your knees and elbows on the half pipe: Another one for the executive having a mid-life crisis – wrap old ties around your knees and elbows while using your son’s skateboard. Might prevent broken skin; no chance against broken bones.
[Good one. There's nothing worse than broken skin; breaking your kneecap, on the other hand, is far preferable - and it's all in the service of recycling your ties! Hurray!]
4. Have a retro day: Take all your old ties to work and wear the worst.
[If possible, take a small mirror into work with you. The chances are middling to very high indeed that everyone you work with will be sniggering at you behind your back and calling you a twat, which will be accurate.]
5. Make a costume for the kids: Yay, it’s dress up like dad day. Make sure they are safe when playing with your ties, and remind them to copy your grumpy work face.
[Then maybe dad could lock the kids in a cupboard, or devise a series of mind games with which to further mess with their innocent undeveloped minds. Also, love the veiled strangulation warning: 'top laffs ahoy, but there's a chance your child may die']
6. Lasso cattle: Tie a few ties together and hope the knots will withstand the strength of one ton of beef.
[A striaghtforward 'what the fuck?' will suffice here.]
7. Keep one in the car: Probably no good as a tow rope or emergency fan belt, but great for scrubbing dried flies off your windscreen.
[Actually not a bad suggestion, unless you favour bootlace ties.]
PRs eh? Bless 'em all.