This just in from a PR firm representing a firm that sells ties (I've anonymised the firm with asterisks):
"Men who buy a new suit in the summer suit sales can have fun and stay green when throwing old clothes away. T*e Warehouse, the UK’s leading online tie retailer, has published a handy fun guide [THEIR WORDS] to recycling ties.
After this encouraging opening paragraph comes a list of suggestions as to how one can recycle one's old ties. As opposed to say, taking them to the local Oxfam shop. Here goes.
1. Do a Rambo: Wrap a tie around your forehead, grab a toy gun and some grenades, and scuttle round your office on your knees. Dart from desk to desk keeping a beady eye out for gunmen behind the photocopier. Won’t do much for your career prospects, but will keep your colleagues well defended.
[Yes, and no doubt your colleagues will hoot with laughter as SO19 and anti-terrorism officers abseil through the office windows, before discharging multiple rounds of hot lead into your cranium. That said, you'll deserve it.]
2. Emergency present wrapping: An old tie will make a great ribbon on a present. Not recommended for anyone important you don’t want to offend.
[Yeah. Just use it for presents you wish to give to people you dislike or don't care about. I can't tell you the number of presents I give to people I hate. Just as well I have loads of ties I don't wear any more in which to wrap them.]
3. Protect your knees and elbows on the half pipe: Another one for the executive having a mid-life crisis – wrap old ties around your knees and elbows while using your son’s skateboard. Might prevent broken skin; no chance against broken bones.
[Good one. There's nothing worse than broken skin; breaking your kneecap, on the other hand, is far preferable - and it's all in the service of recycling your ties! Hurray!]
4. Have a retro day: Take all your old ties to work and wear the worst.
[If possible, take a small mirror into work with you. The chances are middling to very high indeed that everyone you work with will be sniggering at you behind your back and calling you a twat, which will be accurate.]
5. Make a costume for the kids: Yay, it’s dress up like dad day. Make sure they are safe when playing with your ties, and remind them to copy your grumpy work face.
[Then maybe dad could lock the kids in a cupboard, or devise a series of mind games with which to further mess with their innocent undeveloped minds. Also, love the veiled strangulation warning: 'top laffs ahoy, but there's a chance your child may die']
6. Lasso cattle: Tie a few ties together and hope the knots will withstand the strength of one ton of beef.
[A striaghtforward 'what the fuck?' will suffice here.]
7. Keep one in the car: Probably no good as a tow rope or emergency fan belt, but great for scrubbing dried flies off your windscreen.
[Actually not a bad suggestion, unless you favour bootlace ties.]
PRs eh? Bless 'em all.
sew them together into a hippy skirt. Nice gift for the girlfriend
Posted by: Harriet | 06 August 2007 at 22:32
They forgot one very obvious andd socially conscientious use for old ties:carry a selection on person and when hassled by street beggars (not the "real" type but more your easy money type) offer with the advice "This will help you get a real job mate". Dwindling stock of old ties and unemployment down. Neat or what? Mind you that won't be much consolation as you lie there vainly trying to defend your goolies and head from the kicking your getting for "taking liberties" as they say in Glasgow.
Posted by: The doogster | 02 August 2007 at 10:47