For reasons too life-sappingly dull to go into, I had to study a weekly TV guide the other day. Some of the programmes buried away in the schedules astonished me. Having never seen any of them, (partly because I sold my television to get money to build up my miniature teapot collection) I can only guess at/dream of what they involve. Here are some old ones. And here are some new ones.
Lemongrass and Sweet Basil ITV, 8.30pm
NEW SERIES. DC Lemongrass is the hard-bitten, hard-living, hard-of-hearing, star detective at Parson's Green CID in downtown Fulham. When his marriage hits the rocks, his son dies, his long-standing buddy and partner Galangal is shot dead in a botched operation in a Thai restaurant, he approaches retirement, has an affair, loses his faith in justice and faces a host of other detective story cliches, Lemongrass discovers his bosses have found a new partner for him - Basil, a mute young graduate with an ineffably sweet nature. They may be worlds apart, but the two men's opposing approaches to the job get results. Starring Martin Kemp as Lemongrass and the boy from Billy Elliot as Basil, played with a hint of campness.
Macrame! ITV2, 9.30pm
Ross Kemp returns as DCI Macrame, the misunderstood copper who solves crimes with a little help from his friends in the world of crafts.
Sports Challenge The Man Channel, 9pm
Winner of a BAFTA in 2003 for 'Most Literal Programme Title Of All Time,' Sports Challenge returns for a new season. Tonight, two teams engage in a contest which demands a reasonable level of physical fitness, a degree of hand-to-eye co-ordination and the ability to work together as a team in order to emerge as the victors. The contest will be governed by an agreed set of rules to ensure fair play and will last a pre-determined length of time. Followed by A Short, Relatively Uninformative Summary of Today's News By Someone Sitting On The Edge Of A Desk at 9.29, 9.29pm.
The Sea Hunters Insomnia Channel, 3am
A team of explorers and oddball geographers go in search of the sea. This week, the team searches for that all-elusive water mass in the duty manager's office at the Peterborough branch of Dixons. Followed by Extreme Sky Finding, 12.11am.
The 50 Worst Decisions of All Time UK Extreme Decision Making Channel
A wry look at some of the biggest disasters mankind has seen, all of which have resulted from questionable decision making! A host of celebrities including Kate Thornton, Derek from Big Brother 2, an unfunny comedian and Dr "If only people were allowed to hunt me with dogs, the world would be a 1% better place to live" Fox pretend they know all about the assassination by Gavrillo Princip of Archduke Franz Ferdinand (which lead to the catastrophe that was the First World War) and make quasi-ironic jokes about the needless deaths of millions of young men. Followed by Celebrity Plague Pit: Are You Tough Enough?.
The Day I Died UK TV Documentary Channel
A selection of celebrities from the spirit world reminisce about their own deaths. Presented by Jimi Hendrix and Rod Hull, with music from Peter Andre.
As Told By Ginger Extreme Hair 5
Welcome return for this popular series, which examines seminal moments in British history from the perspective of ginger folk. This week, Mick Hucknall (pictured) from Simply Red and 'Spuggy' from Byker Grove examine the Reformation in 16th Century England and compare the plight of heretics burnt at the stake for their beliefs with present day persecution of ginners by the normal-haired.
